This year including from August 2012 has truly felt like a FIGHT for me. I’ve had to deal with people completely flipping the script on me just because they’re in a higher position than myself. At work, school, family members and home. On top of that I had to deal with my inner conflicts, people from the past that are toxic popping up, trying to make friends happy while making myself happy, money issues, my online business, losing sleep, my health (weight and consuming foods) and my hair journey.
For the rest of the year I really want to spend my time on myself and discovering more about me and nurturing myself. I want to educate myself: spiritually, things about my hair, body & mindset….I just want to learn about things that are healthy for my lifestyle. I want to be healthy inside and out.
This is something that has been in the making for a looong time. Being tied up in school, stress and inner conflicts has not allowed me to truly dedicate myself to this. I’ve been planning for this very moment and even though my finances are not up to part I still WILL be going through with it. I’ve never been one to worry about money so I wont start now, God will make a way.
I really feel as though this is something I need for myself. A new start. I have to do better for myself…everything starts with me first before I can start trying to truly apply myself somewhere else.
My school work, the way my room looks and the dreams I have at night ALWAYS have reflected how I feel within. If my room is messy then that means I’m probably stressed. If I have a dream about tornadoes or the world ending or me dying, that means I’m going through changes/transitions within and I probably associate those changes with negativity at the time. If I do horrible in my school work that means I am neglecting it because I would rather apply myself somewhere else beneficial to me.
So the question is…where do I begin?
My answer to myself,”Look around, what needs to change?” Well my room of course. So I’ll start with that.
Two things that people have always said and/or mentioned toward me….things pertaining to my race or personality.
Friends/Strangers:“Are you really black??”…”The white girl is blacker than you!”..And most recently..”Your boyfriend must not be black.”
Family members:“She’s anti-social.” Or “She’s always quiet.”
Now surprisingly a lot of this stuff does not come from strangers, some of them have come from friends a lot have come from family members. I choose not to communicate with a lot of my family members because I do not trust them. No one can hold water and I want to be as far away from the drama as I can.
As for friends…outside the internet I have no made a friend since I graduated high school…why? I don’t know I guess its hard for me…its not easy to really find someone that understands me AND cares enough to hang around. If they do then they already have a life they are engaged…it’s fine with me though a lot of times I prefer to be alone…except for at night. I hate sleeping alone.
So back to the title…the reason why I mentioned all of this is because a while ago my dad said to me, “You remind me of Bella from Twilight.” At first I took that as insult but brushed it aside but then I started watching the movies and finding out more about her (minus reading the book)….I find out that I am a hell of a lot like her lol.
Things in common:
Socially awkward to people who want to know me unless they keep throwing themselves at me or I warm up to them. Willing to accept someone. I rather have invested my feelings and deep inner emotions within a relationship rather than vent to friends or family. My partner is the closest person to me and the person I love the most. Have a mom a that over reacts to things and wants to know everything and loves me. Have/had friends that wanted to be around me but I gradually pushed them away for relationship. Graduated. Smart. I have gone completely “crazy” when my boyfriend left me. Will choose love over lust…theres so much more I cn’t think of it right now but you get the drift.
I don’t have a boyfriend/husband.I don’t have a father that tries to understand me. I don’t have a bunch of people willing to accept me even though my decisions are rash and I don’t have two guys chasing after me at once. Never been bitten.
So from this…I am a huge Twilight fan, I think its awesome and yes I am the type of black girl with a body that you would usually see in the DAYUMM BIG BOOTY magazines…but I don’t have the snooty, whorish personality to match it. I am a Virgo though…lady in the street, freak in the bed 🙂