This year including from August 2012 has truly felt like a FIGHT for me. I’ve had to deal with people completely flipping the script on me just because they’re in a higher position than myself. At work, school, family members and home. On top of that I had to deal with my inner conflicts, people from the past that are toxic popping up, trying to make friends happy while making myself happy, money issues, my online business, losing sleep, my health (weight and consuming foods) and my hair journey.
For the rest of the year I really want to spend my time on myself and discovering more about me and nurturing myself. I want to educate myself: spiritually, things about my hair, body & mindset….I just want to learn about things that are healthy for my lifestyle. I want to be healthy inside and out.
This is something that has been in the making for a looong time. Being tied up in school, stress and inner conflicts has not allowed me to truly dedicate myself to this. I’ve been planning for this very moment and even though my finances are not up to part I still WILL be going through with it. I’ve never been one to worry about money so I wont start now, God will make a way.
I really feel as though this is something I need for myself. A new start. I have to do better for myself…everything starts with me first before I can start trying to truly apply myself somewhere else.
My school work, the way my room looks and the dreams I have at night ALWAYS have reflected how I feel within. If my room is messy then that means I’m probably stressed. If I have a dream about tornadoes or the world ending or me dying, that means I’m going through changes/transitions within and I probably associate those changes with negativity at the time. If I do horrible in my school work that means I am neglecting it because I would rather apply myself somewhere else beneficial to me.
So the question is…where do I begin?
My answer to myself,”Look around, what needs to change?” Well my room of course. So I’ll start with that.
Another dream I had in the same night…its kind of hard to explain because my dreams shift drastically.
Its another place I have visited before in my dreams only it was combined with my college, work and a hotel I visited one time in dream (not physically).
Making my way to leave school, I was on the top floor which was the fifth floor yet there were 2 doors opened to the outside where it was literally on ground level with trees and a side walk. It was wet outside yet sunny, slightly raining. Across from the 2 open doors within the building was a elevator.There were about 4 other people waiting for the elevator so I walked up to it and pushed the button.
The elevator was taking a while so I sat in between the 2 doors, positioned from the inside and outside.
I remember feeling very self conscious about my hair because it wasn’t done and I had it wrapped up in a scarf.
Outside of the doors I saw some guys from my old high school walking outside looking at me. I think they were laughing at me or talking about me because my hair and clothes weren’t up to part plus I’ve always been non-commutative and shy whenever I see people from High School…I just don’t want that to be apart of my life at all. Anyway I think if I would have smiled and said hello they wouldn’t have talked as much.
I got impatient with waiting for the elevator so I took the stairs. Immediately after opening the stairway turned white (another place I visited before). On my way down the stairway I passed a precious little boy. When I finally reached the bottom of the stairway. I looked up to see if I could see the little boy again but he was no where in sight. I then felt a little different then looked down, I was pregnant.
After that I woke up. I have these crazy dreams all the time and I feel like I need to get them down on paper. Just so I can see if they connect. I believe that my dreams really do try to communicate with me. When I am going through something difficult thats the time when I fluently dream. So from time to time I will be posting more of my dreams…mainly for myself to look back on.
I have NEVER been a fan of normal beds, even though I own one I don’t like it. I would love love love to have my very own daybed. I think that they are beautiful and unique. You barely see them and you can customize it more to make it your own. To me its more versatile and eye catching. This is my dream bed when I get my own place.
I have always loved, loved, loved these chairs! My grandmother had one and my mom had one growing up! I love them they are so beautiful and remind me of an antique of foreign beauty. A must have when I get house lol.
A lot of times when I have dreams they’re dreams about confronting my fears…making me more aware or they expose to me that change is on the way…
So I had a very weird dream two days ago..
The dream began with me waking up in my mothers room. only I thought I was in JCPenny’s. I was in a aisle in the store looking at items then I came across a lamp that was handmade. I remember it being expensive so I put it down. Then I saw a beautifully crafted item and it turned out to be a music box with speakers, it was $5. So I was tempted to actually STEAL it….which is odd because I don’t steal. I haven’t stolen since High School and that was in 9th grade…some pens, re-writable cds and pencils from a teacher…lol. So with trying to steal it my dream converted back to being in my mom’s room and I was sitting next to her nightstand on the bed. I then realized that it was my mothers item. So I put it back down.
This is where the dream gets sketchy. I jump from being in my mothers room to being in the bathroom playing with my hair. Theres a visitor in the hallway just leaving. My hair isn’t braided, its in twists. I peek in the hallway talking to my mother and I think before the visitor leaves he sees me naked lol. Anyway I talk to my mother through the bathroom door and she begins telling me how she wants to photography now and I’m thinking to myself…PHOTOGRAPHY?!?!?!…you don’t even want to move or get a better high paying job but now all the sudden you want change, this is NOT YOU! (Maybe thats what the dream was about)
So then the dream shifts again to me looking in the mirror only it wasn’t me…it didn’t feel like it was me….hard to explain. But I started to take out my hair from twists and as I took them out my hair was coming out all that was left were some bald spots and then some very short hair that was crisp that i could literally chip it off…thats when I turned into the girl. Then when I looked in the mirror again, I was a young girl (mixed, light skinned) with a bald head and red sores all over her head. I think it was from that disease…i forgot the name…Alopecia.
The Following Day…
I had a dream about going to this random junky beauty supply store and looking through aisles to find some hair dye.
I think the first dream was about the change I’m expecting or is going to happen along my hair journey. As for the second dream..I have been wanting to dye my hair for sometime but I’m so scared because dying your hair can cause damage and dryness….sense I already fought off the dryness in my hair, I would hate to bac track and have to start all over. But then again since I did the big chop, its better to do it not than when my hair grows out….but then there the dilemma about finding a wig that matches…sigh.
I really DO want to dye my hair but its very risky. I want to dye my hair a kind of dark chocolate or a very deep dark red, kind of on the verge of black until you realize its red. I like those colors where it looks one way in the dark then when you hit the light you can see the REAL color.
My big chop progress has been going great. Right now I am in the progress of doing my hair in box braids. I started this natural journey back in June and now I am in the big chop stage. So far I have completed my goal of finding a usual moisturizer (Lusters Pink GrowComplex), shampoo (SoftSheen Carson) and deep treatment/conditioner (Softsheen Carson Shea Butter Green Tea Reconstructing Deep Treatment). As my protein treatment I will just be using cream peanut butter…yes the type that you make sandwich with…its cheap and easy to put on.
I have received my hairfinity pills and I start taking them today. I know some people are against that but its my choice and your problem. So far without pills my hair seems as though it has grown. But since I am putting my hair in box braids then I won’t see the progress until I have taken them out which is why I am posting my progress now instead of Dec. 11.
So just a quick zip through my pictures. My first photo is the big chop, I started off with dry hair along with uneven and still some relaxed hair attached. My second photo I trimmed all the relaxed hair and had just moisturized my hair with conditioner and African pride moisturizer (that moisturizer sucks!) and combed it out. In my 3rd photo I had just finished spritzing my hair with water and combed it out with my wide tooth comb.
So that’s my journey so far! Thanks for reading!
This is…kind of my style, the thing I like about it most is the actual structure of the ceiling because of its structure it makes the furniture stand out…other than that it would just be another ordinary living room. I would like a house that unique…something different than what you usually see. It could be ugly in someone elses eyes but beautiful in mine.
Now let me tell you a little about me..I grew up in a small apartment with my mother and sister..and I never visited friends houses…only my grandmothers and dad’s house. So I never really knew much about what people are capable of building in a house. The only perspective I have is of photos and books I read.
I discovered Built-in benches when I was reading a book by Michelle Bardsley…she mentioned it so I googled it to find out what it was and fell in love. If I ever get a house, I don’t care what I have to do..I will have me a built in bench in my kitchen!