This year including from August 2012 has truly felt like a FIGHT for me. I’ve had to deal with people completely flipping the script on me just because they’re in a higher position than myself. At work, school, family members and home. On top of that I had to deal with my inner conflicts, people from the past that are toxic popping up, trying to make friends happy while making myself happy, money issues, my online business, losing sleep, my health (weight and consuming foods) and my hair journey.
For the rest of the year I really want to spend my time on myself and discovering more about me and nurturing myself. I want to educate myself: spiritually, things about my hair, body & mindset….I just want to learn about things that are healthy for my lifestyle. I want to be healthy inside and out.
This is something that has been in the making for a looong time. Being tied up in school, stress and inner conflicts has not allowed me to truly dedicate myself to this. I’ve been planning for this very moment and even though my finances are not up to part I still WILL be going through with it. I’ve never been one to worry about money so I wont start now, God will make a way.
I really feel as though this is something I need for myself. A new start. I have to do better for myself…everything starts with me first before I can start trying to truly apply myself somewhere else.
My school work, the way my room looks and the dreams I have at night ALWAYS have reflected how I feel within. If my room is messy then that means I’m probably stressed. If I have a dream about tornadoes or the world ending or me dying, that means I’m going through changes/transitions within and I probably associate those changes with negativity at the time. If I do horrible in my school work that means I am neglecting it because I would rather apply myself somewhere else beneficial to me.
So the question is…where do I begin?
My answer to myself,”Look around, what needs to change?” Well my room of course. So I’ll start with that.
Sooo this year I am suppose to be graduating “early” June 1st. I have two courses during the Summer I have to take then I’m completely done! Thank God! Since there is only one graduation ceremony per year, my college allows you to graduate early as long as you have two or one courses left to complete and they are already paid for prior to registering for graduation. I’m not sure if any other colleges practice that or not but I just found that out thanks to my new EOP counselor. I had my old EOP counselor for two years and up until 2 months ago I reluctantly switched due to traveling reasons. I am 100% thankful I did because she had been misleading me and if I would have stayed under her I would be in the gutter right now. God works his miracles, right?
The courses I am taking this semester are my human services ( 2 classes), biology and math. I already found out I got an A in both my Human Services classes. I am very thankful for that, hopefully it will raise my GPA. As for my Biology class if I Ace my Exam I will pass with a D. My Math class, if I do well in the exam I may pass with a D or C. Either way passing is passing lol. I just need to study instead of blogging right now. I usually do well when it comes to Summer courses so hopefully I get an A or B, nothing less.
After that I really want to open my jewelry store back up online and search for a job. Hopefully get a job. Wherever God leads me.
If you have seen my blog or if you glance through it now you will see a few categories/pages dedicated to weight loss. Understand this: I have been up and down with this whole weight loss thing and not because it is hard or because I don’t have time. Its really because my head is not in the right place. I’ll start my journey then I’ll stop. I start again and then I stop. Whenever I start its always a…abrupt, forceful push start. It does not come naturally. It is just something where I have been pushing myself to do it.
Right now I’m at the point where I do want to lose weight but I want to do it the right way. By the right way I don’t mean just eating right and exercising because I was doing ALL of that before. I mean I want my mind to be in the right place.
I realize now that this process goes much deeper than changing my appearance. When I begin to lose weight, its the beginning of change in every aspect in my life. Along with that change I need to know that I am ready and willing to apply that to EVERYTHING that I do. I shouldn’t have to push myself because I “need” to do it. I want to lose weight because I purely WANT to do it and it makes me happy. If it doesn’t make me happy then I just can not do it. The way I was doing it before only made me happy to see the results but not overall happy which was why junk food was so tempting or why I would easily forget that I’m trying to make a change in my diet.
So for now I’m not sure what I will be doing but I do know after my graduation has come and passed I will have a lot more time on my hands so then I can decide how I want to get my body right. I also have some books that I downloaded that have to do with positivity and discovering self. I’m hoping that will help me too along my journey. Some how I’m going to squeeze the Bible in there too. I told my friend last week that I want to get closer to God and I don’t attend church at all but I do pray…I would like to be able to talk to people that read the Bible or have a respectful perspective on the Bible and we can share our thoughts and prayers together.
I thought that song was extremely disgraceful. Disgraceful to Beyonce’s talent, career and as a person. Beyonce is always trying to portray herself as a perfectionist, a good singer, a hardworking lovable person that is also mother and a good wife. This is what she wants us to think of her as.
So my question is, when did she get so cocky to the point where she thinks she is better than anyone? I honestly think its the money and the people around her that have boosted her head so high that she literally thinks she is above everyone. Money can only take you so far. It won’t get you close to God or in Heaven. This song was just…too much. Everyone knows Beyonce only goes hard in her vocals and maybe even dancing but her as a person, NO. She doesn’t even role like that.
What makes this even worse is the people who are her fans aka stans are people who literally go off at the mouth once you say something that isn’t in light of Beyonce. Its like chickens running around with no head. These are the people representing Beyonce and helping her stay financed because it sure isn’t me. I don’t think her stans realize that when she says bow down she is not only belittling the so called “haters” but her stans too. Basically saying none of you are on my level.
I just can’t. This song is on Nicki Minaj’s Stupid Hoe level. Its THAT dumb to me. People who say they like it, only like it because its Beyonce and/or they been waiting for her to come back in the scene. Either way this is a classic act of trash and it is ashame President Obama is associated with these type of people.
Thats how I feel about it..
Another dream I had in the same night…its kind of hard to explain because my dreams shift drastically.
Its another place I have visited before in my dreams only it was combined with my college, work and a hotel I visited one time in dream (not physically).
Making my way to leave school, I was on the top floor which was the fifth floor yet there were 2 doors opened to the outside where it was literally on ground level with trees and a side walk. It was wet outside yet sunny, slightly raining. Across from the 2 open doors within the building was a elevator.There were about 4 other people waiting for the elevator so I walked up to it and pushed the button.
The elevator was taking a while so I sat in between the 2 doors, positioned from the inside and outside.
I remember feeling very self conscious about my hair because it wasn’t done and I had it wrapped up in a scarf.
Outside of the doors I saw some guys from my old high school walking outside looking at me. I think they were laughing at me or talking about me because my hair and clothes weren’t up to part plus I’ve always been non-commutative and shy whenever I see people from High School…I just don’t want that to be apart of my life at all. Anyway I think if I would have smiled and said hello they wouldn’t have talked as much.
I got impatient with waiting for the elevator so I took the stairs. Immediately after opening the stairway turned white (another place I visited before). On my way down the stairway I passed a precious little boy. When I finally reached the bottom of the stairway. I looked up to see if I could see the little boy again but he was no where in sight. I then felt a little different then looked down, I was pregnant.
After that I woke up. I have these crazy dreams all the time and I feel like I need to get them down on paper. Just so I can see if they connect. I believe that my dreams really do try to communicate with me. When I am going through something difficult thats the time when I fluently dream. So from time to time I will be posting more of my dreams…mainly for myself to look back on.