This year including from August 2012 has truly felt like a FIGHT for me. I’ve had to deal with people completely flipping the script on me just because they’re in a higher position than myself. At work, school, family members and home. On top of that I had to deal with my inner conflicts, people from the past that are toxic popping up, trying to make friends happy while making myself happy, money issues, my online business, losing sleep, my health (weight and consuming foods) and my hair journey.
For the rest of the year I really want to spend my time on myself and discovering more about me and nurturing myself. I want to educate myself: spiritually, things about my hair, body & mindset….I just want to learn about things that are healthy for my lifestyle. I want to be healthy inside and out.
This is something that has been in the making for a looong time. Being tied up in school, stress and inner conflicts has not allowed me to truly dedicate myself to this. I’ve been planning for this very moment and even though my finances are not up to part I still WILL be going through with it. I’ve never been one to worry about money so I wont start now, God will make a way.
I really feel as though this is something I need for myself. A new start. I have to do better for myself…everything starts with me first before I can start trying to truly apply myself somewhere else.
My school work, the way my room looks and the dreams I have at night ALWAYS have reflected how I feel within. If my room is messy then that means I’m probably stressed. If I have a dream about tornadoes or the world ending or me dying, that means I’m going through changes/transitions within and I probably associate those changes with negativity at the time. If I do horrible in my school work that means I am neglecting it because I would rather apply myself somewhere else beneficial to me.
So the question is…where do I begin?
My answer to myself,”Look around, what needs to change?” Well my room of course. So I’ll start with that.
If you have seen my blog or if you glance through it now you will see a few categories/pages dedicated to weight loss. Understand this: I have been up and down with this whole weight loss thing and not because it is hard or because I don’t have time. Its really because my head is not in the right place. I’ll start my journey then I’ll stop. I start again and then I stop. Whenever I start its always a…abrupt, forceful push start. It does not come naturally. It is just something where I have been pushing myself to do it.
Right now I’m at the point where I do want to lose weight but I want to do it the right way. By the right way I don’t mean just eating right and exercising because I was doing ALL of that before. I mean I want my mind to be in the right place.
I realize now that this process goes much deeper than changing my appearance. When I begin to lose weight, its the beginning of change in every aspect in my life. Along with that change I need to know that I am ready and willing to apply that to EVERYTHING that I do. I shouldn’t have to push myself because I “need” to do it. I want to lose weight because I purely WANT to do it and it makes me happy. If it doesn’t make me happy then I just can not do it. The way I was doing it before only made me happy to see the results but not overall happy which was why junk food was so tempting or why I would easily forget that I’m trying to make a change in my diet.
So for now I’m not sure what I will be doing but I do know after my graduation has come and passed I will have a lot more time on my hands so then I can decide how I want to get my body right. I also have some books that I downloaded that have to do with positivity and discovering self. I’m hoping that will help me too along my journey. Some how I’m going to squeeze the Bible in there too. I told my friend last week that I want to get closer to God and I don’t attend church at all but I do pray…I would like to be able to talk to people that read the Bible or have a respectful perspective on the Bible and we can share our thoughts and prayers together.